Anyway, last you heard, I announced we are expecting another son this Fall. September 3rd is his actual due date but he will be arriving earlier than that (more on that later). I am still nervously excited about adding to our family again. This pregnancy has been easier in some ways and harder in
a lot of others than the previous 3. Baby B has been easier on his mama hormonally in a lot of ways than the other boys were in that I am not spontaneously bursting into tears every time a sappy commercial comes on and I'm not trying to chew every one elses head off the rest of the time. I'd say the people that love me are quite happy about that.
The weather has also mostly cooperated this year. Knock on wood. We have had our share of nasty hotness but nothing that has really been do or die. Of course it is really just now time for the heat to start ramping up to that point so I hope I didn't jinx myself. I guess I tend to blame the fact that this is my 3rd September baby too. Maybe I am just jaded to the constant sweating and hiding indoors part of it all. We tend to spend a lot of time in the water too though. We have season passes to the local water park and frequent the local rec pool to stay cool.
In a lot of ways this pregnancy has also been my hardest too. Physically, I am more exhausted this go around. You can blame me being older or him being the 4th or whatever you like, I blame not ever sleeping. For serious, I never sleep. I have given up on the laying in the bed making myself miserable by tossing and turning, opting instead to use those overnight hours to catch up on TV or laundry. The worst part is getting lonely overnight. Michael works most nights, so I do spend as much time talking with him over the phone as I can but he stays pretty busy.
The exciting part is the measurements though. Baby B has measured big since the very first appointment. He was one week big at 8 weeks and then 2 weeks big at 20 weeks and then 3 weeks big by 28 weeks (See picture). Then, last week when my midwife measured my uterus, it was a whopping 38 weeks and I was only 31. So, 7 weeks ahead. Not cool dude. They went ahead and scheduled an in-depth ultrasound at my next appointment to check the fluid and his size again and all that. The thing is, ultrasound measurements can be off by so much, so I'm not really sure what to expect. Will he be big? Probably. Will he be normal sized and my belly is just extra big because there was only 9 months between him and his brother? Possibly. The not knowing is the worst.
Emotionally, this pregnancy has been difficult as well. For both me and Michael. After losing Gage so suddenly and so dramatically after a perfect pregnancy, its so hard to connect this time. Even though I feel him tumbling around in there and we see him on the ultrasound doing normal baby type things, there is this void. A horrible disconnect. Like its not real. Doing things to get ready for him has been hard. I get panicky every once in awhile at all we have to do before his arrival, especially considering his size and the possibility he could come even earlier than expected, but we just can't.
I can't go through the clothes we bought for Gage and not think of the baby that never got to wear them but replacing every thing we have isn't exactly cost effective either. I can't set up a space for him without wondering if its all in vain. Seeing other blushing, excited pregnant women is like torture. I want to scream at them that sometimes it doesn't matter which brand diapers you pick. Sometimes the unfathomable happens anyway. Of course, being big in the belly department, I get constant questions and congrats from people. I try to take it with grace and style. I try to humor their questions and comments. Thing is, I can't tell people I'm excited to be expecting again when I'm terrified. So often I end up bawling in the car or bathrooms at peoples comments but I can't exactly be mad at them, can I?
The boys are excited though. Well, K is. D is much more cautious this time. I don't know if its because he is feeding off our emotions or if he remembers too well. He mostly just rubs my belly and says he hopes he gets to hold him this time. K is much more involved. I think he is just now really old enough to really grasp the fact there is a baby in there. He enjoys talking to him and playing poke back with him through my skin. He tells him he loves him and tells people all about how hes gonna have a baby brother this time if he doesn't die. All about the brutal honesty, that one.
Really, all we can do is hope and pray for our littlest man. I have to believe that everything is going to work out this time or I'll go insane. We have been working with the midwives and perinatologist to create a plan for his birth and are trying to get as many stop gaps in place to prevent the events of last time from happening again. In case you missed the story, his birth was fast and furious. He didn't get the fluid squeezed from his lungs resulting in pulmonary hypertension. Because of that, they didn't get him the antibiotics for group b like they were supposed to and it took him. Quickly.
This time, I will be induced, probably around 39 weeks, so that we can have more control. We can work on slowing down his trip out and get the antibiotics out of the way before anything is started. It means I will have that classic, heavily monitored, laying on in the bed birth that so many women go to so many lengths to avoid, but I am more than okay with that. At this point, I'd even consider a c section if I knew it meant I'd get to bring him home safely. All I want is a son for Michael to hold and a brother for my boys. Priorities.
Thats the long story of it right now. If you were looking for the condensed version, you are probably disappointed. Sorry. Now you know more than you probably wanted to. Its cathartic to get it all out there though and I know there are so many people who won't ask.